It's all about the girls

After taking a break from the social scene, I decided to pluck up the courage and get back to finding a partner. I attended a few events and slowly realised that I was leaving events with more female numbers than male!

The WhatsApp groups started to increase. I didn’t need to go to events on my own and I felt sociable again. I realised I wasn’t the only single, over 35 year old Muslim women out there. My story was not unique! And I found comfort in that.

My sister reminded me - “You do know you are meant to be meeting guy's – right?” And yes, of course I did but I was enjoying the fact that I was broadening my social circle.

Most of my friends are married and many of my single friends aren't of the same faith. So, I couldn’t drag them along to a Muslim event. So now I love the fact that I have added so many lovely single Muslim women to my social circle. People who understand the ‘situation’ we are in. They are probably more in sync with how I feel than family or other friends!

That said, I noticed that the girls I was meeting fell into two categories. I have decided to refer to them as:

The socialites, who love to socialise and are warm, welcoming and make the effort to stay in touch; and

The anti-socialites, who just don’t want to know. They have one purpose – to find a partner. They see maintaining new friendships with other girls as a waste. Although they will probably never admit to falling into this category.

Now - I do understand why people fall into the second category (we are all over 35 after all). However, I can’t help but think that these wonderful ladies are blinkered and are missing a trick here.

Most over 35-year-old women have been through endless meetings with potential partners, it is tiring! You can’t help but think why me, why couldn’t I just find someone 10 years ago like all my friends! Where did it go wrong?!

The fear that creeps in when you receive a wedding invite. Please don’t let it be another person who is considerably younger than me!

The endless harassment, from all the Aunti-ji’s when you attend. You swear you're not going to another large family gathering again! The constant questions.

"Beti, don’t you want to get married?”

"My daughter got married at 25, why have you left it so late?"

Or my personal favourite.

"Beti, why are you so focused on your job and always work, why don’t you find a husband instead".

And all I want to say is - Why do you think I work? Should I not have any ambition and spend my life waiting for a man to turn up. And who is meant to pay the bills in the meantime?!!

But your eyes are met by your mother's stern gaze as if to say do not say a word, so you nervously laugh it off.

So, I get it, I do. It is really hard. It can be sad, its emotional, it brings you down – as all you want to do is get on with the rest of your life and do all the things you had planned to do with your partner.

The constant tick of the biological clock, which gets louder as time goes by, doesn't frickin help! It pushes some ladies to the point that they are so focussed on one thing that they forget to take a step back and just realise the advantages of meeting other single women.

So, my observations have led me to believe there are three main areas, which all us women need to consider:

· Support Network

· Networking

· Sisterhood

Support Network

We should all have faith. As Muslims we are all programmed to think that. We have constantly heard, "Inshallah it will happen when it’s meant to happen", "You never know what’s round the corner".

But if, just if, it's not round the corner, then what?

It’s a reality that some of us need to face. Inshallah there is someone for everyone. But we are also reminded that this life is not real - this is the test. So, what if it doesn’t happen for me, or some of my friends? What if?

So, the best thing we can do is surround ourselves with as many friends as possible. Expand our support network for the future, so we will never be alone. As morbid as it sounds, it’s a reality that some of us inevitably will have to face. As let's be honest we seem to be the generation that got missed, not sure why – that’s another blog :)

So – create your support network! Surround yourself with girlfriends who are in the same situation and who will be there for you, as you will be there for them! It will be invaluable in the future.

Networking

In business if you want to be successful you need to network in some way. You need to get yourself out there, get recommendations based on your work etc. So why is it any different in finding a partner?

There appears to be more single women out there than single men. I've been to some events where the men outnumber the women tenfold. So don’t not go, because you think it will be mostly women! Get your network on and genuinely get to know the women around you.

I always say to people "How do you know that a girl you meet doesn’t have 5 eligible brothers sat at home?" If people meet you and you get on, then Inshallah they may well think of introducing you to single people they know.

Ok so the cynics will say "Yeah right, what are the chances of that". And yes, you could be right - it's a bit of a stretch but stranger things have happened. Think about it - what if! Don’t burn your bridges!

Who knows you may have fun and make some lifelong friends in the process. Now the same can be said about staying connected with guys that you are not interested in. Maintain friendships with everyone! You do not know where it could lead you.

As a side note - if you are one of these girls/guys with eligible brothers at home - then what are you doing! Introduce them to your network!

I for one haven’t met the one yet (obvs), but I have had so many other opportunities open up for me, just by keeping in contact with guys and girls I have met along the way. My network has grown so much I now realise the potential of meeting someone has increased.

The Sisterhood

I would imagine some, maybe all the friends I have made along the way would consider the same matches as I would.

Do I see them as my ‘competition’? No! Why? Because I am all about the sisterhood!

So why do some girls just see everyone as their competition? I can only conclude that it comes from a place of insecurity.

Now I am not the most confident person in the world. And from time to time, I look at my friends and think, “Girl, how are you still single because you’re flippin gorgeous inside and out!”

The way I see it, if someone likes you, then they are just going to like you. Simple. If they are more interested in your friend – then brilliant, be happy for your friend!

“I am not interest in competing with anyone, I hope we all make it” Erica Cook

That is genuinely how I feel.

We all know how this whole process feels, we know what it's like, what we’ve been through, and how it impacts on our mental health. So why then would we want others to stay in this situation.

Don’t begrudge others, don’t be jealous, we all have our own journey – Just be happy that another one made it! And Inshallah good things will come to you.

Now, I am no expert. You may read this and disagree with it completely. Which is fine. I hope that some of it resonated though. These are just the humble observations of someone who has experienced life.